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  • Writer's pictureJenny Wynter

How to Guarantee Health Kick Success via Dubious Means

Liz and I on Brooklyn Bridge in 2006. I love this photo. We look like travelling ghosts.

So for the very first time in my life, EVER, I finally believe that I’m gonna get on top of this body of mine (not in a freaky way, people) and actually treat it…well, you know…amicably.

I’d take my bow now, only this development has absolutely nothing, I repeat NOTHING, to do with me. Rather, it’s all thanks to this little lady here. Introducing my adorable sister-in-law and soul mate in crime, Lizzy.

Lizzy is strictly gluten, egg and dairy free. As in strictly. As in, not a choice, but a serious health concern, FREE.

Me? I’m not strictly anything – aside from perhaps on occasion, gloriously certifiable – but that said, I do find that this little body operates a lot better when I’m staying away from the glutenous stuff. Also coffee. And sugar. You know. I’m SOOOO unlike everybody else in that way.

Anyhoo, so recently Liz and I were lamenting to each other about how crap we are at actually sticking to the style of eating that actually serves us best. And so the conversation turned to sugar, or specifically, about detoxing from sugar as Liz had spotted on an episode of Oprah.

“Let’s DO IT!” I said.

“Really? I will if you will!” said Liz.

“I feel the need…the need…”

Both: “FOR SPEED!”

Okay that last bit didn’t really happen.

But with that, we were onboard! The deal:

– neither of us could have any sugar OR gluten (and Liz had the added conditions of no egg or dairy, naturally) for 28 days

– if successful, we would both treat ourselves to a girly day at a health spa

– if ONE of us cheated, then NEITHER of us would get to enjoy the reward.

Days one and two were by far the worst. Headaches. Lethargy. All apparently normal.

By day seven I felt like a different person. Honestly. NO bloating, my skin looked different, I even got weighed (for a post-car accident appointment) and had already lost several kilos. I could not BELIEVE IT!!!!!

Then, on day nine…

Liz confessed that she cheated.

Oh man.

One of the first things out of her mouth was “I’m so sorry! You just keep going, and I have to start over…”

“Nope!” I said. “We both have to start over. Otherwise what’s the point?”

We chatted about it and I confessed that now my biggest worry was that I’d be more tempted to cheat myself, knowing that she couldn’t really get angry at me when she’d already done it herself. (Did I mention she’s also probably the sweetest, most soft-hearted woman on planet Earth? Seriously. She makes Mother Theresa look like Angelina Jolie. i.e. nice, but slightly dark.)

Then cut to last night, i.e. the end of our new day one.

Liz: “I’ve got it! Some new rules! And I know this time neither of us will cheat!”

Me: “Okay…what?”

Liz: “Well, here’s the deal. If I cheat, then you have to stop eating healthily.”

Me: “WHAT?”

Liz: “But I promise you Jen, there is no WAY I’m gonna let that happen! I so want you to succeed. And here’s what happens if you cheat…”

“If you cheat, I have to drink an entire litre of milk. Do you know what that will do to me? My stomach will blow up so much it will ache for days, my skin will break out so badly that I will not be able to leave the house for two weeks and it will probably make my guts bleed.”

Stunned silence.



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