I’ll confess something I’ve wanted to write about for days now – we had a pregnancy scare this week. I can actually write ‘scare’ now which in itself invokes a great deal of another emotion: that being ‘relief’.
Not that I wouldn’t have been happy about having another baby. You know how clucky I’ve been lately. Why, I’m practically sprouting feathers and hurtling my face towards the floor in an attempt to locate grain. But the relief of being able to savour my US comedy adventure free of the shackles of morning sickness and all-consuming fatigue…well, it’s damn near palpible.
In fact, excuse me a moment while I just….
…okay I’m back now. Sorry bout that, just felt like celebrating for a moment by doing a little Irish jig.
So the main reason for the ‘scare’ was that I’ve spent the past week or so feeling rather nauseous. In fact, constantly nauseous. Only now we’ve established the reason is NOT family member number five, I seem to have pieced it together: I think I might be a little anxious. Groundbreaking stuff, I know.
I have to calm myself and remind myself that this entire trip is going to be wonderful. Amazing. Potentially life-changing. I mean, I know it is all that and more – yet I can’t help feeling angsty at the prospect of leaving my children for that long. While I know they’ll be unbelievably well looked after (my sister is under strict instructions that while she’s to look after my children and love them with all she’s got, she is under no circumstances, permitted to be better than me at it – you know, not too many outings or extravagant crafty stuff) I still can’t help but feel nervous about it. And guilty….oh boy, I’ve got oodles I could write about the guilt associated with this entire undertaking, and perhaps I shall another time. But for now, I’m just trying to build a bridge and get over it. Because:
a) the last thing I want to do is ruin this amazing opportunity with something as unproductive as guilt; and
b) I’m sure that one day Ella will say to me with great sincerity: “Mum, I think it’s awesome that you did that. You rock.”
“And thanks for the Las Vegas snow dome.”