Even reading over these past couple of entries, I find myself nauseated just with how self-pitying I have become.
And in some ways, that’s been the hardest thing to get a grip on. How have I – who I like to consider a pretty damn positive person, to the point where at my university interview the panellist actually called me “Pollyanna” TO MY FACE – devolved into this uber negative whinger? Ugh. Today I’m actually feeling a lot better mentally, a lot worse physically. It’s two steps forward, one step back – all I need is Tina Turner’s “Nutbush” and I will be officially fulfilling my lifelong dream of living life as a musical.
The house is a freaking mess. Tim is trying to help out as best he can and I am grateful; but what it comes down to is this: calling his housekeeping and my housekeeping ‘clean’, is like calling Toowoomba and New York ‘cities’. Sure, there’s a commonality there, but that’s about where it ends. But I can’t get mad at him. I can’t. Because :
a) he really IS trying as best he can under really difficult circumstances and
b) I’m on Valium and thereby unflappable.
I just feel so stranded in a house that I start cleaning only to be halted within minutes and reminded of the fact that my body has changed. Agh. I know intellectually the easiest way to solve this is just to let go of my expectations – after all, isn’t that what this whole thing is teaching me anyway? – but taking that knowledge from my head to my…well, other part of my head, is just something else. Whenever I really start to panic about the state of things, I find myself – or at least, a voice in my head, hopefully of the healthy variety – saying these few words over and over:“It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.” Then I remember to take a deep breath. I’m alive. My family’s alive. It’s all good.
I bit the bullet and checked my email on my phone today (we don’t have the net at home) so even though it costs a billion dollars per email, I just threw caution to the wind – see how reckless I am now? Oooh yeah, this life-changing event has made me bbbbbbbbad to the bone, baby – as I just had the need to feel connected. And I’m so glad I did.
Along with so many messages of support and encouragement, I got the most beautiful email from an old school friend who I haven’t been in touch with for years. I’m constantly amazed how in the face of hard times, (having been through and supported others through theirs), so often the people who lift you up, are the ones you least expect. I just want to post here what she wrote:
I am so impressed with you! I know we were not that close in school but since you have been on my facebook i have kind of been following you and what you are doing…..not in a stalker type fashion..obviously!!
For ages your stuff would just come up on my news reel thingy and i would read it and wonder what the hell you were on about with all the loose moose stuff etc..then one day i checked it out and thought that is so cool! couldnt help feeling a little bit envious of your motivation and ambition…..but you did always have that! I have been on your web page several times since then and did see some stuff on facebook about your recent road “incident” so have just gone on and read your blog type thing….
a) am sorry you had to go through that but very happy to hear you are both ok b) Just by looking at your web site and all the things you have achieved both personally and professionally you will NOT be stopped!! c) Drugs could make for some interesting and cryptic comedy acts! d) Writing is theraputic…..and you are very good at it.
So i just wanted to say that really. Rich tapestry of life…etc etc.
Hope you feel better soon and keep writing…..
That totally made my day. Seriously. It’s these little things that are making a huge difference to me right now. Thank you so much for taking the time out to write, Alex. xx
And on another note, if you haven’t read yet another old school friend’s comment about her own unexpected pre-festival show debacle, then please do here. You are such a sweetheart Sar, I cannot wait to hang and see each other’s shows and geek out about all things comedy whenever the stars align.
Love you guys. Thank you all for the encouragement. Here’s to brighter days and positivity rising. But also thank you for allowing me the grace to just let it all hang out. Whingeing, self-pity and all. xxx