That’s what my little Cay-dude said to me tonight as I stroked his hair, waiting for him (impatiently, I’m ashamed to admit) to fall asleep.
I’d only been away a couple of hours, but his words still managed to make me squirm.
“Oh,” I said. “I missed you too.”
And then I felt sick. Cos I finally let it descend on me – the truth that in just over a month, I’ll be heading off overseas for the second time without my kids. And how horrible that feels.
I didn’t write much about it in my American blogs last year, cos quite frankly I was having a hard enough time just getting on with the trip that I didn’t want to stir it up more by writing about it.
But right here, right now I feel like I just need to acknowledge the simple truth: that being on the other side of the globe from my kids felt WRONG. I hated it. I bawled daily (sometimes multiple times, leading to a paranoia that my wonderful mentor Daena would think all Australians were hyper-emotional train-wrecks) and hated that too. But then finally, about halfway through the trip (that halfway point where you’re actually moving towards home), I forced myself to snap out of it and not waste the amazingness of the opportunity by being seduced by sadness.
So I did end up having an absolutely rocking time in the States, there’s no doubt about it and I certainly don’t regret it. It’s just that it was definitely flavoured with a shocking depth of missing my kids, so now I can’t help but approach the first portion of our new life in Canada – in which i will be flying solo in Calgary, training at the awesome Loose Moose for two weeks – with excitement tainted with dread.
On the upside, Caleb is talking much better (and longer) these days, so our phone conversations might be better.
*reflecting on last time)
Me: “Caleb! Hello! What have you been doing?” Him: “BBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRR!!! MAMA!!!”
I guess the only way is up…
*imagining this time*
Me: “Caleb! Hello! What have you been doing?” Him: “Oh mummy deareth, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways…”