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How NOT to spend your final prep days for your Melbourne Fringe Show

I could just weep. Pigeon tears. Possibly with feathers.

May I just whinge a little bit? Okay, cheers. I am so freaking frustrated as, courtesy of the Brisbane Powerhouse show, I now have the most beautiful, juicy footage of my show on film, footage which I was hell-bent this week on editing in a most stunning fashion. You know, editing it so incredibly that upon one glance of it, mermaids would drown themselves.

Anyhoo, I was most incredibly excited about this as, to tell you the honest truth, dear friends, I am just a wee bit PETRIFIED about my Melbourne Fringe run.

Not because of the show. I am very happy indeed with the show itself. But rather, I am frightened because virtually nobody in Melbourne knows me. Those who met me when I lived there years ago do, of course, namely cos I am just so damn unforgettable. Not for any performing reasons. More because how could you forget a blonde lady wearing a white shaggy jacket dancing on tables and shouting “We are the walrus!” at every pub that would grant her entry? Ah, Melbourne. Your abundance of class makes my stunning lack of it ever more apparent.

Point is, I am not terrified about performing the show, I am terrified that nobody is gonna come.

Sooo…I thought a nice juicy youtube vid would solve all of my problems. As online vids tend to do. If youtube can’t save the world, then heaven help us all.

Well, fine then, OKEEEEEEE, maybe we wouldn’t have world peace, but at least, I thought, instead of fringe folks deciding to go see some other show, that at least with an online sampler, a few of them might actually be able to SEE what I do…before deciding to go see some other show.

Sooooo……I have somehow managed to spend this entire WEEK (yes, with capitals, hard-core, yes?) trying to get my computer to recognise the footage which it WILL NOT DO. I can see it, but as for editing it in any fashion, c’est impossible. (Yes, French. Hard-core, non?) My computer is so unhappy, you see, that it has turned into a narcoleptic. So unhappy am I with its narcolepsy that I find myself slapping it, screaming at it, all but throwing a bucket of cold water on it, while screeching in a southern American drawl to “snap yourself out of it, come on, let’s get you some whisky!” I’ve even decided to call it “Earl.”

I could cry.

Not just cos I don’t have the footage but cos in my desperate, stubborn bid to make the video trailer happen, I have spent these past seven crucial lead-up-to-festival days letting the computer process, sleep, process and sleep, rather than using it to do the fifteen gazillion other things I should have been doing to get the word out. BLAHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHG!

Now excuse me. I’m off to throw my computer in an ice-bath.

The Unexpected Variety Show Melbourne Fringe Festival Revolt Melbourne 12 Elizabeth Street, Kensington 27 September – 9 October Tues-Sat 7.30pm (60 minutes) Sun 4.30pm Full: $20, Concession: $15 Book: 03 9660 9666 Tix.melbournefringe.com.au Show page link: http://www.melbournefringe.com.au/fringe-festival/show/the-unexpected-variety-show

#cabaret #comedy #melbourne #melbournefringe

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