At the risk of sounding like an American teeny-bopper, I am SOOOO looking forward this trip!!! Easy on the exclamation marks there tiger…
But in seriousness, I am. I actually started packing today which, if you have the dubious pleasure of being a Jenny-blog regular, will be savvy and sophisticated and pick-your-preferred-adjective-of-flattery enough to realise that yes, that meant sorting through my den full of dirty laundry. I’m still recovering.
On the plus-side though, having some stuff packed makes me feel like it’s all beginning to happen! Which is so so cool, as only a couple of months back the thought of organising gigs during the Comedy Festival was jus that…a mere thought. But as of 10.50 on the coming Tuesday morn, it will be a reality.
Now contrary to what you might think (as I know you spend every waking minute thinking as much about me as I do), I’m actually not all that happy all the time. In fact, the last few weeks I’ve been feeling especially down in the dumps about the whole career thing, just questioning whether what I’m doing is worth it, whether I will make it to where I want to be, etc. Now, I know such thoughts are perfectly natural and usually I’m pretty good at just pep-talking myself out of them. But one of the lower ebbs of my existence a couple of weeks back happened to coincide with catching up with a good old friend of mine – a former film tutor who’s done really well making a living out as a documentary maker. But on this particular day, she was feeling really disillusioned about the entire industry.
I won’t divulge her entire history here, but one particular point of the conversation haunted me…
Me: Sometimes I just wonder, ‘when is it going to happen?’ You know, like when do you actually get noticed?
Her: I don’t think you do.
Not that there was a dramatic pause in the conversation, I’m just adding it there in the hope that you get the full impact of that sentiment. It completely freaked me out, because I’ve always operated under the assumption that if I keep doing my thing, just keep persisting at it and believe in myself, that eventually it will happen. (Whatever ‘it’ is, but that’s an entirely different blog entry). Yeah, so this was the first time I’d ever come face-to-face with the idea that it mightn’t happen.
Which is weird, because one of the ideas my film project-in-progress “Cinema a la Hitchhiker” deals with is ‘when is it time to give up on a dream?’ So the thought has not only occurred to me before but is fascinating enough for me to want to address in a film script, however I’d just never really contemplated that possibility for myself. I don’t mean that to sound as arrogant as I think it might; my point is more that if I’ve had nothing else going for me, I’ve always had self-belief. But lately that’s been self-doubt.
Which, as my hubby pointed out, is quite ridiculous given lots of cool things that have been happening lately. But I’m a perfectionist. And I’m completely impatient with life. Two combos which don’t make a happy meal, if you get my drift.
Anyway, I’m just crapping on now and in danger of acting like a lullaby to you, dear reader. I’m sure I had a point…oh yeah. So I was feeling a little apprehensive approaching the trip, but then last night had a really cool gig at Corndale (about half an hour out of Byron Bay) – imagine a little yellow hall in the middle of a big green paddock with over two hundred cheery locals – in that environment it’s very hard to go wrong.
But the best part was afterwards – the headlining comedian came up to me and gave me such awesome affirmation. I won’t regurgitate it all but what really hit me was this: “I’m giving you the same advice I gave Kitty (Flanagan), Julia (Morris) and Sarah (Kendall): don’t let them rush you. Don’t be in a hurry. If you’re not ready to do the 40 minute gigs yet, don’t do them. And the money will be good. But even if it’s a $5000 gig, if you’re not ready for it, don’t do it. Just go at your own pace.”
Now that’s a concept. I’ve been hell-bent trying to SPEED UP my progress lately, and as for the notion of turning down a $5,000 gig? I wanted to say ‘honey, my hubby’s a student: five grand is like half our yearly income!!’ (Again, a whole other blog entry righ there). But somehow having him talk to me like that, having HIM believe in me, just gave me such a sense of calm about the whole comedy thing that I’ve really been lacking. Just to trust that it’ll happen in its own good time and there’s really no point in freaking out about it.
So I’m now looking at the tour with a newfound sense of excited calm. Excited about the possibilities and calm about the possibilities. Most of all, I want to have fun. And to enjoy the kids. And to not be too cold.
I’ll be madly packing/organising tomorrow, so I daresay my next blog entry will be straight from the road (or more accurately, my lovely friend Rachel’s house in funky-town Yarraville.)
So stay cool, stay awake (hell, you made it this far through the waffle of this blog post so you’re doing well) and stay tuned!