Dear Shopping Centre Managers,
Why, oh WHY do you insist on putting those bloody two dollar rides around every single corner of the shopping centre? The batman cars, the merry-go-rounds, the freaking Wiggles rides that film your child while they ride in that big bloody red car. What are you THINKING?!
I mean, I do understand what you’re thinking – make it child-friendly, make it fun, make people want to stay longer! But I want to inform you that whatever those salespeople told you to get you to install one every five metres, you were duped.
Point one: they may be child-friendly, but they are not parent-friendly. Unless by parent-friendly you mean ’causes any actual progress in traversing said shopping centre to slow to a grinding halt’ and ‘incites tantrums at seven-minute intervals’ or ‘allows regular opportunity to throw money down a toilet’. Bottom line: it ain’t cool.
Point two: they may be fun for the kids, but they suck for parents. I get motion sickness staring at some of them, plus the one time I actually got my daughter to go on the Wiggles one that films the kid while they ride, I ended up being the only one interested in demonstrating that feature. And nothing spells ‘I’m a loser’ like a mother waving madly into a video camera on a ride when the 3-year-old involved is more interested in playing with the ‘refund’ button.
Point three: the rides do not make me want to stay longer in your shopping centre. They make me want to either tear my hair out, scour the shops for a red spot special on cyanide or, in the absence of the above options, just get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.
So there you have it!
Please. Don’t thank me. Just think of me as your own one-person focus group: you don’t even need to pay me! Actually, if you do want to pay me, then I am, as I hope you are, open to suggestion.
Yours sincerely, Comic Mummy.