TITLE: “A morning at Jen’s Place”
A children’s playground.
Jenny sits on a park-bench with Ella and Caleb, the three of them munching away on ***** brand chocolate bar (like hell I’m name-dropping them without proper paid product placement. Try saying that four times fast.)
An old-ish woman walks by, catches sight of the incredibly suger-laden diet being bestowed upon these two poor innocent creatures of goodness and glares very meanly at Jenny.
As Jenny contemplates her next move, we dissolve to:
Earlier that morning…
The downstairs studio. Jenny, in an attempt to make herself feel like an actual ‘good’ mummy, spends the morning helping the kids to draw, write and resist the urge to hurl the basketball at the book-case.
All is calm, all is quiet, all is lovely. In fact if you listen closely you might even be able to hear the soundtrack to “The Mikado” in the background. Or not. Whatever, this is just the script, you can hear whatever you want.
4 minutes later… Jenny: NOOOOOO!!!!!
Caleb has slammed the dead-locked door to the house shut, thereby locking Jenny and Ella out and himself in.
Ella: Oh no, Mummy, we can’t get in!
Jenny: It’s okay, let’s try the front door. (Note to actor: this should be played with outer calm but inner rage. Only an actor of pure brilliance could pull this off. Failing that, we’ll just stick an ugly prosthetic nose on you.)
Ella: Caleb, that was very naughty!!!
2 minutes later…
At the front door.
Jenny and Ella alternate knocking and screaming, trying to entice Caleb to the front room.
Jenny: Caleb! Caleb!
Ella: CALEB COME HERE YOU NAUGHTY STUPID BOY!!!
Jenny: Ella that’s not nice. (adopting a nice voice) Caleb come here you naughty stupid boy!
Ella: Oh NOOO!!! He’s not coming!!!
2 minutes later
At back door.
Jenny: CALEB!!!! Go to the front room!
1 minute later Jenny and Ella circle the house trying to find that elusive open window. It is a mission that proves fruitless.
Ella: Holy banana benders batman, looks like we’re in a spot of trouble!
(note to reader: some of this script has been fictionalised for dramatic purposes. Which bits is for you to decide)
12 minutes later At front door again.
A dishevelled, dehydrated and desperate Jenny is on her knees, her face stained with tears and her back dripping with blood. Why? We’ll never know.
Jenny: Caleb. Caleb. Caleb.
Ella: He’s not coming, mama.
A dramatic pause. Did you feel that? Wasn’t it dramatic?
Jenny: Caleb…do you want….CHOCOLATE?
Cue climactic resolution music, as Caleb comes running joyously through the house to the front door, unlocking it with the ease of an Olympic Pole-Vaulter stepping over a turtle.
All: Oh Caleb, oh Ella, oh Mummy, oh Batman, etc…
We dissolve to:
We are back in the park, where the old woman has just delivered a filthy ‘you revolting unfit-to-own-a-kitten-let-alone-breed-your-own-kind’ look from hell.
Jenny smiles sweetly.
JENNY: It was this or a lock-smith. And chocolate’s cheaper.
The old woman scowls, spits and suddenly begins to mutate: this is no innocent old lady, this is Hannibal Lector!
Hannibal: Tell me about the lambs, Jenny, tell me abou….
Before the freaky old woman/Hannibal can utter another syllable, Jenny whips out her very handy pocket-size blow-torch and fries the cannibal to a deep-fried perfection.
Before the smoke has even cleared, Ella looks up at mummy and says…
Ella: I want another chocolate!
Jenny: (looks directly to camera and shrugs) What can I say? It’s been one of those mornings.