Self-censorship

I HATE it that I barely even scrape the surface of the things I really want to say in this blog, for fear of who might read them.

The times when I’ve thrown caution to the wind and just written whatever I damn well please, I’ve ended up in trouble. The internet is just too big, word of mouth is just too powerful and google is just too damn googly – when you post your thoughts in cyberspace, be warned: there is NOWHERE TO HIDE.

I’m beginning to think I should cut down on blogging and start keeping a private diary just for my own sanity…the problems being:

a) I love the fact that blogging means a reading audience; and b) I barely have time to blog as it is, let alone pontificating for private purposes.

But…I still feel like I should make the time. I’ve kept a diary (on and off) since I was ten. The ‘off’ seasons I’d beat myself up mercilessly over my lack of writing input and the ‘on’ seasons I’d beat myself up mercilessly over my writing input being 98% focused on BOYS. Oh, when I fell, I fell hard and I’ve got the 1000+ pages to prove it.

Nowadays my thoughts would be less of the ‘all-consuming crush’ variety and more of the ‘all-consuming LIFE’ variety. Or would they? I’ve no idea…I guess there’s only one way to find out. But I do think it would really help me to process all the craziness in this head of mine to get back to diary-writing…plus it’s always cool to look back at the ‘old’ you and roll your eyes at how ridiculous you sound.

Like in fifty years, (assuming the internet hasn’t imploded) I will no doubt look back at this very entry, throw my saggy arms heavenward and cry out “Aye Jenny, SHUT UP YOU NARCISSISTIC TOSSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Then of course, I’ll spin out at having typed that exact sentence fifty years prior, thus throwing the entire cosmos into disarray, perhaps even causing the end of existence as we know it.

Either that or I’ll just feel like a narcissistic tosser.